Monday, January 2, 2017

A Letter To My Daddy whom I Havent Seen for 10 Years

Hi daddy, how are you? I hope you are doing fine.
Its been almost a decade of not seeing your face. I wonder if you have wrinkles now or if you still have a beer belly.

This year 2016 was the toughest year for me so far. But Im more concerned about you. We haven't heard from you for a long time, almost a year I suppose.

I recently heard you were sick from an aunt. I dont know if its true,  but I felt a little guilt for not greeting you on father's day and on your birthday because I was holding a grudge. So here I am virtually writing again, secretly getting hopes of you stumbling into my feed because facebook private messaging doesnt seem to be working.

Your kids are all grown up now. They are all working.

Your first born, my kuya, is all well with his future wife and son, Sean. Our home is full of happiness when this little kid is around.

Your second daughter, my crazy sister.. well, she still loves you ~even though she keeps on talking about how much she loathe you. She is strong like that. Saying 'I dont care' a lot, good at hiding her emotions... but I know her too well. She'd tell me how she remembers your funny jokes, dance moves and giveaway money when youre drunk. She definitely misses you.

As for your third child, ME... well your daughter is having such terrible days at work lately. Currently having a quarter life crisis although keeping herself busy as much as she can. She tries to get by everyday. Getting wiser with her decision making.

The youngest child, your bunso, is doing amazing. You know how smart he is. An IT programmer -always getting home late at night, working his ass off. He has grown to be such a responsible person like her ate/s. It still annoys me how he'd asks me about tagalog words though. Your bunso is still having a hard time with TAGALOG language at a tender age of 22. Where did that kid come from?! Im having a nosebleed talking to him in english when we argue. SERIOUSLY this kid is way too fluent, it's like he's from NYU or something.

My mom... your wife, she is still beautiful but now a bit weak and fragile. She has gray hair now but still the most loving and caring mother to all her children.

 I hate you for making her cry a lot in every unanswered call from you. She thinks you have a different family now and we all dont know if there's any truth to that.

Do you even know she keeps on calling and messaging you just to see how youre doing? Sadly you dont answer.

I love her so much because despite you being gone, she still made ends meet. Working hard day and night. You took her for granted but she still cares for you. I hope you know that.

Years have passed and I let myself believe that Im totally okay with you not being there throughout my teenage and now, adult life.

I have come to terms that I am stronger without you in my life.

I became so independent but had a hard time trusting men.

I dont feel any gap in my heart until I would see a father with his daughter bonding at a grocery store or at a mall. A father figure I would wish to have, but just not my luck.
Theres an inch of pain not having to experience that as I grow older, but life is not always fair so you just have to suck it up. Endure it & move forward.

Where are you now? Are you well? Do you still think of us?

There are so many questions running through my vicious mind yet so little answers...but despite that please know that I forgave you..

I forgave you for not being there for us growing up;
I forgave you for not even telling the truth of your whereabouts;
I forgave you regardless of the fact that you were not providing enough for us financially;
I forgave you for mentally and emotionally hurting my mom & siblings;
I forgave you because you are still my father despite of your shortcomings.

Lastly,  I forgave you because the Lord has let the Holy Spirit flow acceptance and forgiveness into my heart that only He could provide, even if you have not apologized to us.

I hope you could come home now, even just for mommy.

Love lots,